As widely reported, Phil Robertson, the patriarch in A&E’s breakaway hit "Duck Dynasty," recently ran a-fowl of homosexual pressure groups, ruffling "progressive" feathers throughout concentrated pockets of deep blue America. He remains suspended "indefinitely" for candidly summarizing, in a recent interview with GQ Magazine, the millennia-long "Love the sinner, hate the sin" Biblical stance on homosexual practice.
"It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me," he bluntly opined. "I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes!"
Dudes worldwide -- save self-styled "gays," Pajama Boy and a few liberal men actually rumored to be heterosexual -- responded: "Eww! I know, right."
"You know what I’m saying?" continued Robertson. "But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical," he noted.
Robertson also addressed other sins, paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 6:9-10: "Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers -- they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It's not right."
"I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me," he later added. "We are all created by the Almighty, and like Him, I love all of humanity."
Barring a handful of "progressive" revisionists, Christian theologians have since observed that, while Robertson's position on sexual sin is 100 percent Biblically, morally and biologically correct, it is, nonetheless, precisely 0 percent politically correct.
Furthermore, Robertson seems to have been quoting directly from the rare, though accurate, "Louisiana Revised Standard Living Translation."
Even so, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) was outraged. GLAAD spokesman Francis Twinklebean offered a scathing, though typically insightful, analysis of Robertson’s opinion: "Quack quack quack bigot," said Twinklebean. "Quack quack vile quack intolerance quack quack homophobia quack," he added, finally demanding: "A&E must fire Phil Robertson."
The "gay"-activist Human Rights Campaign (HRC) was no less distressed, as evidenced by HRC mouthpiece Randy Van Grindr: "The First Amendment? That’s so 1776," he said. "This is 2013. Speech isn’t free, you know. Intolerance will not be tolerated. Give us our pound of flesh! A&E must fire Phil Robertson."
A&E, which had already begun censoring the cast’s Christian speech with fake bleeps to cover words like Jesus and Christ, dutifully complied. "We’re just sick of all this redneck Jesusy stuff," A&E representative Moe Ronic told reporters. "And besides, making truckloads of money is really overrated," he added, referencing the show’s No. 1 all-time ranking.
"In fact," he continued, "just the other day I was sharing an Appletini with Bob, our program director, and he was pining for the good ol' days -- back when we had ratings like MSNBC's "Winter Solstice Generic Holiday Special."
"You know, more money means more work -- what, with the bookkeeping and all," he pointed out. "Most of us at A&E are actually quite excited to get back to the utter irrelevance and obscurity from whence we came."
Meanwhile, the Fox Network and a bevy of cable channels have reportedly lined up with drool bibs to pounce on the show should relations with A&E go deeper south.
A Fox source offered comment on condition of anonymity: "Remember that time someone disagreed with Christianity and got fired?" he asked. "Me neither. A&E needs the Robertsons more than they need A&E."
Still, questions remained as to who’s got it right on homosexuality; GLAAD, HRC and other "progressives," or Phil Robertson and Christianity. To get answers, we went straight to the Source: God, Author of all truth, sovereign Creator of the universe and Maker of mankind.
God said to relax. The issue has been long settled.
All sexual sin -– adultery, fornication, bestiality, incest and, yes, the practice of homosexuality -- is "contrary to sound doctrine," He noted unequivocally (1 Timothy 1:10). "Guys, when I said, 'You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination,' I meant it," He added (Leviticus 18:22).
The Creator then offered an urgent admonition to GLAAD, HRC, and others living under both sexual deception and the unrepentant homosexual lifestyle. He warned that unnatural behaviors beget natural consequences: "Because of this, [I] gave [you] over to shameful lusts. Even [you ladies] exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way [you fellas] also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. [You’ve] committed shameful acts with other men, and [have] received in [yourselves] the due penalty for [your] error" (Romans 1:26-27).
Still, being both wholly righteous and merciful beyond measure, The Heavenly Father then offered hope for homosexuals, as well as for every other sinner on the planet (that would be all of us). He was quick to point out that no one person is better than another, and that He loves us all, not because of our sins -– to include the "intrinsically disordered" homosexual identity and lifestyle -- but in spite of them. "None is righteous, no, not one," He said (Romans 3:10).
We are all lost and in need of the Savior, He further urged (especially yours truly), saying, with specific reference to homosexuality, adultery and other forms of sexual immorality: "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by [My Spirit]" (1 Corinthians 6:11).
As untold thousands -– likely millions -– of former homosexuals will attest, through the unmatched grace of Christ, there can be freedom from all forms of bondage to sin -- even "LGBT" behavior.
Meanwhile, since the Duck flap hit, Jesus Himself has reportedly reached out to Phil Robertson with a Word of encouragement. He told him to keep fishing for souls and hunting for ducks. He said that Robertson shouldn’t sweat the small stuff -- like the ongoing assault for speaking truth in love.
"Phil," He said, "You will be hated by everyone because of me, but [if you] stand firm to the end, [you] will be saved" (Matthew 10:22).
"Oh, and by the way," Jesus added: "Well done my good and faithful servant."